[Editor’s note: Starting tomorrow, Eagle Rants will no longer be edited for AP Style and grammar. That said, here are the Eagle Rants Rules. Rants in violation of the rules below will be automatically deleted.
•NO spam, promotions, pyramid schemes or other unsolicited material
•NO invasion of privacy and no harassment
•NO hateful, defamatory, obscene or threatening Rants
•NO advocating illegal activity
•NO Rants over 100 words
For more information on The Eagle’s terms & conditions, visit http://www.theeagleonline.com/more/terms/
•Dear SPA leadership,
You are not greek life, you are not significant, you are not elite. Just stop.
•Enough of the Rangos rants! Sorry sweetie he isn’t interested and the rest of us are tired of hearing about your obsession.
•Dear girl who thought it would be a good idea to be my boyfriend’s rebound,
you’re an idiot.
•To my sorority “sister” that’s a legacy,
I do not want to call you sister, if you could disappear that would be great.
•I judge people who bring their iPads to class.
•EAGLE SECURE WTF. STOP BEING TERRIBLE. JUST STOP.
•To my roommate, you a damn fool.
•So NBC announced that Community isn’t on their midseason lineup. Tell me someone else is freaking out about this.
•Have people been ranting less?
[Editor’s note: Definitely not. With daily Rants, the number of Rants a week has doubled.]
•Cannot wait for ‘Vikings and Crusaders’ next semester.
•Wish I had a trust fund to be stolen from.
•Don’t get me wrong. I think the Aramark Employees deserve a lot of respect. I just don’t want to hear about how Herman Cain is going to be a great future President of the United States every morning. I would prefer not to start off my day with such a frightening thought.
•These rants are stupid.
•I would like to meet Conor Shapiro. At this point I am absolutely curious on what he is like in real life, since his articles are stupid and disrespectful to a lot of people. Surely the author is more than the sum of his articles? Then again, that isn’t much…
[Editor’s note: Conor writes columns, not articles.]
•I have been betrayed by those I love most. How shall I survive this, my week of sorrow and lament? To whom shall I turn for comfort? What hope is there - what grace shall deliver me? I know not how I shall overcome, and you are all to blame.
•Turn it out! Like a lightswitch!
•I drink therefore I am
•To all the lonley girls I’m a lonely guy who would love to hang out with any of u,we can sip coffee and talk politics, literature and anything else, just find me.
•I wish my roommate would sexile me every once and a while. It would make feel less bad when I do it!
•To the guy who told AU girls to stop being “so ugly”: you can actually stay in hiding. Thanks!
•I’m actually dreaming about my research paper topics. This is what being an overachiever does to me…
•JRB Ranter: You right, you right. My mistake. I think it’s better than Shiksa Goddess. Musical bonding foreva.
•I know you can’t really tell what I am thinking. And I am willing to make the first move. I’ve spent a lot of time just waiting for you to show up in front of the library. HINT: I am usually in the Mud-box. Find me.
•Nick Rangos, I love you
•The CLⒶSS WⒶR is on! Read some Kropktin! Fight for Ⓐ better society!
•Does anyone on campus know ASL? I want to signnn
•For the past week, my friends and I have been calling Mayflower in Tenleytown with a Jack Black soundboard asking for a 4 piece chicken nuggets, a junior western bacon cheeseburger, a fillet of fish sandwich, and a half coke/half diet coke concoction. They have now begun to hang up the phone immediately on anyone asking for chicken nuggets. Phase two of plan, order 4 piece nuggets in person…
•So some morons decided it would be a good idea to play a bunch of shit over a loudspeaker on the LA quad. I’ve never been so close to committing murder in my life.
•So many hateful rants on Nov 14! Peace&Love
•IT’S GOING DOWN AT THE DECK TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
•I am dearly upset by the lack of Assassins at this school. Conclusion? American University is run by Templars.
•No profanity? But what if it’s really creative and appropriate profanity? (Yes, there is such a thing) We’re in college, not high school. If read columns about sex, I’m pretty sure we can handle the occasional f-bomb.
•What about frak? Can we say frak? Or is is frac…
[Editor’s note: We’ll let that one slide.]
•Rants have rules.
•I did not succeed in crafting a quality essay today. However, I did achieve the rank of Arch-Mage. Today=success.
•Is that 100 characters with or without spaces?
[Editor’s note: 100 WORDS without spaces.]
•Dear All Boys on Ando3North,
I know you have a crush on me;)
•Why can’t I find any good vegan restaurants?
•Watching Christmas movies is the best way to spend my nights. F U homework.
•@“To: $40 million trust-fund kid, no one cares! Rather than ranting on an AU website call a lawyer! That is, if your whole “my mom and dad are embezzling from me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it, woe me!” Rant is even legit. You’re an idiot, that is all. -I don’t care” Um she’s an idiot because she’s the victim of embezzlement? Or just because she has more money that you? Jealous much?
•none of my awesome rants about a certain tall, blond, authoritative figure made it through yesterday :(
Perched upon my desk,
Your velvety texture soothes
Ahh. Chai tea latte.
•“Oh my beautiful target — you zoom zoom my heart like a rocket!” I’m sorry, does not compute. Did you mean “you jjoom jjoom my hot like a locket?”
•I am the true SCHWEDY BEAR!!!
•Hey! I’m Mr. Simple.
•The Hunger Games trailer came out today… so I spent all day geeking out about that instead of doing homework…
•Dear obnoxious guy in 500 level class: I am sick of listening to you arguing with the professor in our 4 pm class. You argue over something stupid. I don’t want to even hear a peep from you in our 6 pm class.
•To the tutors at math lab, I come there for tutoring, not to hear about your love stories. I thought you are supposed to work, not hang out. It confuses me when some of you who isn’t working hang out there and talk super loudly. If it’s not for my fear of F, I would never come there again.
•For a minute, I thought it was the sickly sweet Red Bull that was making me nauseous in the library…and then I realized it was the sickeningly sweet couple across from me sitting and gazing into each others’ eyes. The LAST thing I want to see while I’m pulling an all-nighter is two hipsters planning to procreate. Ugh.
•STOP MAKING OUT IN THE LIBRARY YOU LOOK LIKE TERRIBLE KISSERS.
•Remember when The Eagle had the ranting competition? Remember how it was really boring? I wish we could have a snarkiest rant-off. I would definitely make top 3.
•For all the girls who complain about finding a good guy on campus. I dont think its just me who has noticed some of the PSO’s are really good looking this year! Least much better than the last couple of years
•Who called public safety on the sax guy? I was listening to him and he sounded very good.
•You can call public safety on me playing. But you’ll never kill my passion for sax. #NorthsideSaxGuy
•Guess again, you stupid hipster: I DON’T want you to play your sh***y music out loud in the library while I’m trying to write my paper at 2 in the morning!
•To the two dumb sigma pi brothers in the quiet floor of the library who are shouting about how much they like watching the police beat “dirty hippies” at OWS, you are the reason everybody hates frat bros. Seriously you make me want to throw up.
•GIVE ME LONG RANTS OR GIVE ME DEATH
•I want to marry the Anderson hall president.
•To the fraternity that’s conducting initiation activities on the second floor of the library at 3:30 in the morning: you guys are idiots.
•@Love the overweight people who live on the second or third floors of Anderson taking the elevator. I think I know why you’re overweight ...
Could you be any more ignorant? I would hope that you’d have a little more perspective or intellectual understanding at a higher tier school like AU.. did you ever consider that not everyone who’s overweight is so because they eat a lot or don’t exercise? Grow up.
•THANK GOD FOR THE RANT BOX! I have been looking for you for quite some time now…
•Is it bad that I don’t eat breakfast anymore because I don’t want to wash my dishes? I think it’s time for Thanksgiving break.
•HELLO, MY NAME IS ELDER GRANT. IT’S A BOOK ABOUT AMERICA A LONG LONG TIME AGO.
•National Cathedral has reopened!
•That awkward moment when your professor walks into class without any pants on.
•Can it be Thanksgiving break yet? I’ve been feeling extremely homesick for the past few weeks and I haven’t gone home since the semester started.
You still don’t have pants on.
•The day I legitimately need medical attention the health center is completely booked. Great.
•The beautiful asian man (half asian actually) with the london hat is actually just a pretty face, so be careful. He does have ridiculously nice abs though.
•Subway: When you say you are open until 2AM, that does not mean you can close at 12:30 because you’re lazy and want to go home. Business hours are a commitment, not a suggestion. If you tried to pull that anywhere else, you’d go out of business so fast.
If you invite someone to give a guest lecture, try letting them lecture instead of cutting him off every 30 seconds.
Students who think your friend is a better speaker than you
•STUDENTS FOR WAWA REPLACING MICKEY D’S IN THE TUNNEL.
•ay yo EFF every person in SIS who registered before me.
•I discovered the wonders of video games. 6 hours later, I have finally vanquished the entire disk. I must be ready for special ops missions…
Most of your shows that I have sampled played hipster music. I am not a hipster. I do not enjoy your strange tunes. Also, other hipsters will not admit that they enjoy the same music as someone else. Where is there room for a fan base?
•I’m Bill Clinton
•I don’t wanna work….
A tasty fruit.
Also, a delicious pudding.
•Shake, shake, shake senora
•I have taken to grabbing coffee during my 8:55 class. I don’t think my professor even notices…
•Dear SPA Leadership,
What do you do? I take that question back, I do not actually care.
•Hey, got any grapes?
•pretzel, Herman, Emma, athletic
•Don’t you forget about wii- new campaign strategy
•I should be able to walk out of MGC on a beautiful, sunny fall day and breathe clean air. I do not want to breathe the dirty emanations of the smokers who fail to comply with the rule preventing them from smoking within 25 feet of the building.
•Dear Communication Majors, dont sit in the library with your copy of cosmo stresing because you cant find an adequate example of some garbage theory about advertising. Get a real major.
20 page term paper regarding Latin American Development past 1960s
•Here is to all the college kids who still don’t use the word “ironic” in the correct way.
•Stop this nonsense campaign to ban bottled water. This is ridiculous. If you don’t want to drink it, then DON’T. Educate don’t prohibit.
•Environmental science at AU is liberal political science. Complete disregard to economics and market principles while bolstering failed socialist ideals. Naive students want big government to protect them.
•I´m a junior studying abroad right now. Is it bad that my concern when I come back is that freshman are gonna think I´m one of them?
•Fellow Milwaukeeans (and there must be some…): Every time I see a “Kpop” rant I think of Kopp’s. And want good food.
•Low student indebtedness, a strong alumni network, a sense of campus pride, and I would have added diversity to campus. Should have applied to Howard.
•Dear Trust Fund Baby:
At least your parents aren’t borrowing your money, long-term, to buy basic items. You certainly didn’t have to buy your own birthday gift and wait a month for your dad to get his next paycheck and pay you back. Just saying.
•We will be taking requests on the music blasted throughout the LA quad. Simply post them on rants. We are glad you appreciated last night.