• It’s almost April, which means there’s almost only one month of classes left, which means it’s almost finals, which means it’s almost summer! Right? Right!?!?
• The (National) Mall is home to some of the strangest characters on Earth, I swear …
• Dear AU,
60 minutes does not dry my clothing. I pay $3.00 to do my laundry and I shouldn’t have to lay my clothing all over my room in an attempt to get it dry. For reals. 72 minutes was great. I enjoy it when my clothes come out of the DRYer dry. Is that absurd?
• Begin rant. Anger Anger Anger, snide comment, annoyance, well placed, thought out joke. End rant.
• Dear Library,
It’s the 21st century. We use laptops now. Get some damn outlets.
FRICK WHY IS MY LAPTOP DYING?!
• WONK is almost as bad as the Roosevelt Institute.
Can we just get rid of both of them, and make the campus respectable again?
• Hodine: I am an alumni, and on the Metro the other day I heard current AU students talking about how easy it is to get into the dorms, that you can still just follow people in and that the front desk doesn’t care … I am disappointed you have not improved security of the dorms or hired better staff in 6 years!!!!! I worked the front desk and cared about my job and stopped people. You need to improve, until you do, no money from me.
• Dear Miss Sniffles every 3 seconds for 2 hours straight,
It’s called a tissue. Toilet paper works just fine too. There are bathrooms on every floor of every building on campus. Get off your ass and blow your nose (and grab some tissue for later too).
• SG elections are so much more dramatic than they need to be. Hasn’t pretty much EVERYONE been sanctioned at this point? I get that there are legitimate ethical violations that occur, but I don’t think that drawing something too big in chalk justifies a sanction.
• DEAR PHONATHON-ERS,
I need some juicy-ness in my phonathon livin’.
WHERE are the scandals?! GIVE ME SOMETHING JUICY
• After being inside studying all day I decided to get outside and enjoy the nice weather for a short walk. No sooner do I exit the building that instead of smelling sunshine and springtime, I smell the disgusting smoke of a smoker who decided to smoke NOT by the smoking pole and then throw his cigarette on the ground. Thanks a lot a-hole.
• Why does Eco-Sense ignore the issue of water-wasting automatic flush toilets yet freak out about water bottles (when they should be freaking out about soda; at least water is healthy).
• Do I walk around campus spraying gross carcinogenic perfume all around me and on the people who walk by me? No. So STOP WALKING AROUND CAMPUS AND SMOKING!
• I always go to TDR at times when the lines aren’t long, but I hate how there is never an ice cream person there despite the ice cream still being out. I wish they would just let us get our own ice cream, like the set up at Georgetown.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Dear Ranter, Check out Tenley campus’s self-serve ice cream station.
• I wish AU had a campus-wide Easter egg hunt. My parents won’t get me a ticket home, and I’m going to miss our family Easter egg hunt. :(
• Is anyone else a double agent for two different AU secret societies?
• I’m so in love with my boyfriend, but I don’t know how to tell him that he sucks at sex and I have never had an orgasm in the 15 months we’ve been having sex. Help?
• Why does AU have such a low U.S. News ranking? I don’t get it. Our average ACT scores should put us in the top 50, near GW. Yet we are ranked 79, behind 33 state schools. Can someone explain this to me.
• AU men do not suck. Look a bit more thoroughly and you’ll find some gems.
• Bikes do not belong on the sidewalk. If you, Angry Driver, can’t figure out how to safely negotiate around a cyclist, maybe you shouldn’t be driving?
• To the professor who made it mandatory that we attend a reception for alumni in our program instead of having class and then told us to “not eat too much” because the food is for the alumni. I’m paying for the goddamn food at this event through my program fee (in addition to my sky-high tuition) I’m sure you’re not going to run out of mini-quiches that quickly. Seriously, where do you get off?
• Yeah, I did take the shuttle from South side to North. You try walking on a broken fibula while waiting for AU insurance to approve the surgery to fix it.
It ain’t nice. The 2 minutes I got to sit down saved me the 15 I’d have normally needed had I walked the actual distance.
I can’t walk as long or as fast as everyone else, and every step is painful. I don’t do it often, and when I do, it’s because I’m in a lot of pain. Then I get people who see me get off the bus on North side and get upset because I don’t have an obvious disability.
• Whoever was blasting Hendrix at 12:15 a.m. in SIS on March 22 … you are my hero and deserve every good thing that comes your way. Just saying.
• sorry to everyone that loves AU, but i cant wait to transfer from here.
• Whoever said greek life was avoidable at this school must have been living under a rock. I should have rushed and then I would have at least had a social life. This sucks.
• Is it weird that I actually like the smell of cow poo in the flower beds? It reminds me of home …
• I wish that we could be friends again. I don’t know how to approach you and I’m not even sure which of us should apologize at this point. Until we figure it out, do you think that we could move on from awkward encounters to small talk? Then maybe Starbucks.
• I just wish the Dav would occasionally play music from student-run radio station WVAU. Baristas admit it, you’re hipsters. But there are other hipsters on this campus too!! Can we share the title of hipsterdom, together, in musical harmony?
• I hate that there are no men here. Not just because they are hard to find, but generally having to attract women means that guys have to eventually learn to become slightly nicer and care a little more about their appearance. Since we are all so desperate, it just feeds into there being no attractive men at AU. I am going to write my thesis on this …
• Blindfolds, arbitrary rules and sleep deprivation DO NOT equal sisterhood.
• “I detest AU and Washington, D.C. in general. I have never met so many superficial, blood-sucking, horrible people in my life. I can’t wait to leave and never see this gulag again.”
I love you. That is all.
• The dorms of Letts and Anderson constitute the darkest of all of America’s prisons. If only the girls were forced to wear orange jumpsuits and shackles …
• Hey, everyone who has screwed me over for the past four years, screw you!
• For my senior history thesis, I really wanted to do a good “academic” topic … you know, something pointlessly obscure, like a 40-page etymology of the word “pillow” or a history of Dutch-Tajik relations. Go Academia!
• Damn kids these days and their music and gadgets and noise!
• If we were allowed to drink in class, I would probably participate and smile more!
• I have a fetish for discipline and YOU. One night, I’d love to pop open some bubbly and instruct you in the finer points of the law!
• I wish to be referred to as “Conquistador” from now on. Is that a reasonable request?
• I voted for Ibraheem because the guy that knocked on my door to tell me about him was super cute. Oh do I love blonde boys with bookmarks.
• After two years here, I’ve just realized that I want to study something that AU doesn’t even offer. I don’t know what to do.
• I just took my first shower with the new low-flow nozzles, and I remain unconvinced that I even got wet. Yes, there are people in the world who wash with buckets of water. I live in America so I don’t have to be one of them. GIVE ME THE OLD NOZZLES!
• So according to Michael Morgante’s logic, the best way for us white heterosexual men to help break the glass ceiling in the workplace is to not work ... ever. Yeah, that makes a whole lot of sense.
• AU needs to replace all those uncomfortable wooden benches in Ward with couches (or at least squishy benches). MY BUTT HURTS!
• How annoying is it when you type in “my” on the library computers trying to get to the my.american page and EVERY computer suggests HYPERLINK “http://myspace.com/“myspace.com! Who even uses that anymore?!
• You know what I don’t give a shit about? ... Student Government Elections.
• Student Government lost all creditability when I went to vote and NOBODY was running for SIS president. Really?
• Dude was drunk and told me I was too ugly to be in the same elevator as him. No wonder his name is slandered all over collegeacb.
• Just ordered a ton of Navy Blue shirts that say “KCUF” in the WONK font. AU, Teresa Flannery, and Neil Kerwin, BE PREPARED!
• To the girl who is so in love with Nate Bronstein, get over it, so are most of the girls on this campus! I have a class with him and always try to flirt with him, either try and ask him out over it, he’s awesome, so someone else might get to him first ...
• I really want to work in the Tavern just so I can scream TENNNDERRRS!
Can’t wait till I’m on parole.
• Dear Mom,
Just as I was about to muster the balls to tell you, it doesn’t help that you blurted out, “You’re not gay or anything, right?!”
Sincerely, you’re not making this any easier =(
• Dear current AU Students,
As an alumni, I’m shocked at how dull the police blotter from St. Patrick’s Day was. Step up your game please.
• To the clump of sorority girls that decided to all stand in an impassible block on the sidewalk so they could look at each other’s hair: thanks for dispelling sexist stereotypes.
• At this point in time, three of my friends from back home have visited me at AU for a couple days. One of the kids goes to an Ivy, one a huuuge public school and one a small private school about the size of AU. All three have agreed: 1) AU’s dorms are way nicer than theirs. 2) TDR is something they would willingly pay for after getting having gotten used to their dining halls. 3) The campus is extremely tidily kept. 4) The kids are friendly, smart students that care about their futures.
These are the things that ranters usually rant about on this page. It wouldn’t make sense for me to say that AU student shouldn’t rant about these things — obviously these are your opinions and you have every right to express them. All I want to say is that the next time you go to rant about how terrible TDR is, how unfriendly the people are, or how the facilities aren’t up to snuff — think.
• Keep on keeping. Things get better. Stick to what makes you happy and the universe had its way of making things just. People come and go out of our lives, but believe in yourself.
• To the JERK who is STUPID enough to rant at a girl biking in the road:
1. Girls on bikes are beautiful things. Respect that.
2. Bikes on roads are 100 percent legal, as well as beautiful things. Sidewalks are for pedestrians. Read up on D.C.‘s driving laws, check your ignorant road rage, and STAY OFF THE ROAD until then. JERK.
• Whywhywhywhywhyyyyyy are there no Reese’s products in the vending machines on campus?
• Dear Leonard Fifth Floor: Please shut up. There is this really cool thing called QUIET HOURS. Respect ’em.
• To the person in this week’s Eagle who ranted about the roommate’s inconsiderate friend: I have the same problem except my roommate and I have a mutual friend. He/she constantly stops by ONLY to talk to him/her and barely says 2 words to me. They are so much more interested in my roommate’s life and goings-ons and it hurts my feelings. Am I not as cool?
• In regards to the smoker comments in the past 2 issues: For one, the complaining person raises a good point. The 25 feet thing should be enforced somehow. The responder has a point as well, but the fact is, smoking is disgusting, no matter how you put it (and this is from a former smoker).
• Can anyone give me a legit reason as to why you smoke cigarettes? There are so many other healthier, CHEAPER alternatives that don’t give you cancer and a nasty stank that follows you around no matter how much you try to cover it up.
• Why do the DRs suck at their jobs so much? None of them check IDs. (I have successfully tried to get into every building with random students and I don’t even have an on-campus ID! Do DRs even notice???). Also they are rarely helpful and often moody. A smile would be nice. Housing and Dining, stop hiring such buffoons to work the desks here.
• If you’re going to sit down at the table I currently have all my things laid out on in the library, then have the common courtesy to ask, “Is this seat taken?” Really not that difficult. I just want some R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
• We need to have Eagle-Praises or Eagle-Successes, not Eagle-Rants. This platform only contributes to the assumption that AU students are self-possessed, spoiled rich kids, which is seems to be true with the type of rants people have posted. We are so lucky to be here and there are so many great things about AU, let’s celebrate them instead of complaining about silly things.
• To everyone complaining — I mean smartly citing the EPA article — about bottled water, do you have no interest in keeping our waterways clean so in the future there is still clean water to bottle?! Bottled water is not just something we should be avoiding at AU, but everywhere! Plastic bottles contaminate our oceans, kill fish and guess what — PLASTIC NEVER DISINTEGRATES! That means your plastic bottle you just threw in the trash will be on earth in some form or another forever.
BUT if you purchase a reusable water bottle (which can be a few dollars at most) you can use filtered water from any residence hall kitchen sink, any water fountain (yes, that water is filtered and chilled) or any filtering water pitcher of your selection that can sit in your fridge to be chilled. And you SAVE MONEY. There is nothing better in my opinion. Stop complaining about bottled water and stop using it. Get a great reusable water bottle and feel good about helping the earth.
• SIS STUDENTS: (mostly those currently inviting me to vote for them for SIS president or whatever) YOU ARE NOT THE ENTIRE UNIVERSITY!!! Oh, did you not hear that CAS is the largest school at AU? Did you not know that other programs besides yours are actually half good here? I am not an SIS student. Stop sending me SIS crap on Facebook about elections I can’t vote in. I am a proud student of CAS and already voted.
• The coffee at the davenport is painful and is as bad as Starbucks. And why is there still no damn room in the new building to pick up coffee?!?!?!?!?!?!??
• Tadeusz Kościuszko is the most underrated historical figure … EVER!!
EDITOR’S NOTE: Wow, so agreed.
• I miss Alex Knepper’s columns. To hell with everyone else!
• That twitchy tree in the library wishes it were the Whomping Willow.
• College would be so much easier if I wasn’t expected to read anything. Then I wouldn’t be so far behind on work right now.
• The campus looks so pretty this week. Props to the groundskeeping team!
• Not all (straight) guys on this campus are total pricks who only want sex. Some of us just want intimacy … we want somebody to love
• When life hands Nate Bronstein lemons, he makes orange juice
• To everyone complaining about D.C. tap water, a couple suggestions: filters and campaigning for safer water. And to those complaining that the Dav doesn’t sell it, go to Megabytes or the Mudbox.
• For some AU students, I have the following question: Are your diamond shoes too tight and is your wallet too small for your $100’s?
• @ I’m all for being green and saving the world, but do the Green Eagles really think the only trash we have in residence hall restrooms is paper towel? Where am I supposed to put my empty tubes of toothpaste? Where am I supposed to put my dull razor heads? Where am I supposed to put my empty bottles of body wash and shampoo? Can’t we just have two bins in bathrooms? One for paper towel and one for other, non-compostable waste?
I put trash in those bins. You know what would be better. Air Hand Dryers on campus. Why the hell not? You want to be green. So why not? Tell me.
• @Why is it that I seem to only meet the guys at AU who just want sex? Who use women for their bodies and then leave them? AU men suck.
We’re horny at times. Maybe the people you meet are the “assholes” on campus. Look around. There are some nice guys, who would do everything to be with you (and not be entirely sex driven).
• WHY are the bathroom trashcans “paper towel only” now?! There are SO many other things that get thrown away in there! AU, I understand you’re all about being green, but please provide another trashcan for throwing away cotton balls, empty bottles, razors and A LOT of other products! I’m not trying to walk all the way to the lounge in my towel to throw something away.
• @ Whenever I e-mail a paper to myself to print, I write nice notes to myself in the subject line so I feel like there are people who love me and think good things about me.
:( If I knew your e-mail I’d write nice things to you.
• I didn’t vote in the student government elections. I didn’t know anyone running for the student government. I don’t know what the student government does.
• To the person who wonders why people at Phonathon are so obsessed with Eagle Rants: We spend almost four hours staring at a screen, listening to the phone dialing, and being verbally abused. I think that answers it.
• It’s not that I don’t like sleeping over with my boyfriend, I do! I just wish I didn’t have to deal with his roommates next morning at breakfast.
Alright, does anyone else think that there are certain unspoken rules about seating in classes? I have sat in that exact seat every single day of class this semester. You know I sit there. What the hell???
• Dear construction crew who likes to work outside my window,
I’m glad that you’re helping AU become even more beautiful, but the fact that you like to use obnoxiously loud trucks/shovels outside my second floor window every morning between 7:30 and 9 a.m. is not cool. It was okay the first morning, but not after you decided to do it every morning since spring break. Please find a different time to make the campus pretty.
P.S. Find a different place to store your mulch. It smells. Badly.
• Dear Eagle,
Thanks for publishing the ad for Boston University’s summer for-credit internship program — a wonderful opportunity to gain experience and earn credit … wait, what? Too bad my adviser said that no credits can be transferred in to AU once you actually come here.
• To the selfish idiot who does not understand choices aren’t always what they seem: What part of “can’t afford to stay home” don’t you get? Not everyone is here on scholarship or has a trust fund to pay for AU. Some have to juggle being full time students AND full time workers as well. So show some empathy!
• Why does Chris Palmer need to spend a half hour of every SOC event introducing people? Just start the damn event already!
• Did the Center for Israel seriously show a Pat Buchanan video as a legitimate part of their presentation? Wow. Just wow.
• Thank you, library website. I saved 6 listings for my research paper using the “save this search” button, and then when I went back to them, my “session was timed out” and all those articles were gone. Awesomesauce.
• I don’t like that we’re not hooking up anymore. It was a lot fun. Damn.
• Stop giving me dirty looks. I know it’s the quiet floor, but I had to cough. Sorry. And sorry my backpack makes noise when I put things back in it. Who knew?! Now have fun working on your paper while I go back to my room and pass the hell out in my bed.
• To whoever chooses the Eagle Rants:
I think I accidently signed my name to a rant. That would be extremely embarrassing, so if you read a rant that has a signed name that starts with an A, please don’t put it on eagle rants. Otherwise I would probably cry, cuz it was about a cute boy that I would then have to sit next to in class for the rest of the semester. :(
womp womp …
• I really wish more support groups at AU were offered online. I want to join the group for anxious graduating seniors, but I don’t want anyone to tie my real identity with the fact that I have been denied from 21 of the 23 law schools I applied to (and the prospects are not looking good for the other 2). :(
• People who Skype in public make me think they’re talking to themselves …
• I got dumped and now I pretty much have no friends at AU :( Eating at TDR all alone sucks.
• Not to be an jerkface, but IT IS NOT HARD TO KEEP THE ICE MACHINES FULL OF ICE.
• I hate annoying people who whistle while they walk places. Shut the f up and whistle in your own room. No one wants to listen to you.
• @ the person ranting about public safety not enforcing smoking rules: It’s community enforcement. If someone’s smoking on the steps of MGC and it bothers you, SAY SOMETHING. I’m a smoker, and I promise you, we don’t bite, and we don’t want to give you cancer. We’ll move. (Unless it’s raining … then, maybe not so much.)
• FIELD OF GREENS COME BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
• Am I the only one that thinks Greek Week is just an excuse for the greek community to do the public equivalent of masturbating while looking at themselves in the mirror? You all know its true.
• Dear Eagle,
The AU Like A Little page is the site’s third most popular in the USA. You really missed a great opportunity to increase your traffic.
• Dear AU,
All you do is steal my money, give me migraines, stress me out and deprive me of sleep. I’m sick of your bureaucratic operating basis motivated purely by profit for the rich at the expense of the poor, and the way you seem to ENJOY seeing students such as myself suffer under your evil wrath of hatred and power. If you try one more sneaky, backhanded, manipulative way to get me out of more money, not only will I take my services elsewhere and obtain a BETTER education, but I will spend the rest of my days publicly humiliating you, your administration and everything you profess to adhere to (though realistically act in your own selfish interests every single time).
A VERY pissed off student.
• To the Thief at the Dav,
You took my money. If you have any humanity, PLEASE return my books and notebook :(.
A very upset, very stressed, Dav worker.
• @ ALL HATERS. SHUT UP AND STOP FIGHTING! I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A PEACEFUL AND ACCEPTING CAMPUS! BUT I READ THE RANTS AND ITS ANOTHER STORY! SERIOUSLY … STOP YOUR WHINING!
• Keep the library cold. When it’s cold, it’s harder to fall asleep. If the library was warm and cozy, I would curl up in my favorite cubicle and nap all day. Keep it frigid, for all of us students fighting tooth and nail to stay awake.
• Dear male undergraduate students with well-defined bodies, I thoroughly enjoy it when you show off your physiques on the quad. Sometimes, it is the highlight of my day. Please continue to do so.
• Is there any info on AU SG Presidents of the past? Have there been any females, SG Presidents of color, openly Gay, or event a member of the International community? While these factors might not be something of necessity, I think this would be a good story for the Eagle (if not done before), as to seeing a history of symbolic representation of our campus community, through the office of the SG President.
EDITOR’S NOTE: The most recent female SG president was Ashley Mushnica in 2006-2007.]
• To the ranter telling bikers to stay on a sidewalk: 2/3 of serious bike accidents happen when bikers either ride on the wrong side of the road or on the sidewalk. Road riding is the safest option for a biker. Learn to deal with it.
• AU Shuttles, c’mon.
• If you push the automatic door-opener in MGC or Ward or any of the other buildings and are not visibly disabled (including on crutches), carrying something large/heavy, or elderly, be aware: I am judging you.
• When I was walking up Wisconsin from Friendship Heights and discovered that there were WONK signs at all the bus stops, I nearly started to cry from the shame.
• This year feels like it’s been a lot harder than usual. Everyone I know is having a challenging year. I blame the WONK campaign.
• Dear people who put food out at their club’s event: Having only green tea is not okay. Especially at an evening or night even. I do want to be kept up all night due to caffeine. And I also do not like to eat without having a drink. Some fruit juice would be nice.
• Today’s common sense tidbit: If you are coughing and hacking, please do not then stick your hand into the communal snack bowl. I don’t want your germs.
• So first I pay $10 for a $7 AU in Motion ticket because they don’t have change (seems like a clever ploy to get more money since I know many other students that this happened to). Then I get to the show and realize I can’t see a thing because the show is not actually held in a theater and the seats are all on the same level. So then I sit on the stairs to see better. Then I am told that the 50 other people sitting on the stairs didn’t actually pay for tickets. That is not fair at all. AU in motion really needs to work in their business model.
• Where hath thine delicious Orange Mango Nantucket Nectar gone to? Thy soul bleeds without thee …
• Measure For Measure was absolutely positively the most fantastically, amazingly, awesomely done play I’ve seen for a while. You guys rocked!
• When will D.C. follow California’s lead and launch a campaign to allow marijuana for recreational use? Weed is not cancerous like tobacco, yet tobacco is the legal drug. Why is the world so backwards?
• Congress passed the Higher Ed Opportunity Act in 2008 that “asks” universities to provide textbook ISBNs to students WHEN THEY REGISTER FOR CLASS. So why is it that most of my classes give out the list in the syllabus on the first day of class? This forces students to use the university bookstore which charges anywhere from 50%-300% more and has a tiny fraction of used/rental books.