2008 Woodie Awards
View print edition front page as a PDF
April Fools
Georgetown arms Hoyas of Mass Destruction!!!!!!!!
By Barbi Bueller on 4/2/07
Public Safety officials confirmed Sunday that Georgetown's Hoyas of Mass Destruction are not only armed and operational but are aimed directly at Mary Graydon Center, making the vast majority of the 18 students who voted in SG elections sorry they didn't vote for Ben Dwertman.
AU students, many of whom doubted the existence of such a weapon until as little as a few weeks ago - when Dwertman's SG presidential campaign platform focused on building up AU's defenses against Georgetown, relocating the Watkins building and defeating the nefarious Dr. V - are now being trained for a variety of defensive and offensive strategies as AU's Department of War is reformed.
Most of the campus community is being trained to evacuate as quickly as possible to designated safe bunkers full of enough duct tape, food, water, alcohol and condoms to get them through even the worst case scenario of several months of fallout.
However, several Honors Department battalions will be deployed to M Street's Ben and Jerry's to launch a possible counter-strike. They hope to be able to locate the weapon and neutralize it or, at the very least, eat delicious Cherry Garcia ice cream bars while reprogramming its coordinates to strike Catholic University, placing most of campus outside the blast range. A secondary force of Lithuanian basketball players will be sent to attack the Hoyas with rebounds and three-point shots.
Student Government President-Elect Joe Vidulich issued a message to the student body via Facebook from a secret underground safe house rumored to be near that of Vice President Dick Cheney at the Naval Observatory.
"I promise you that everything will be fine," Vidulich said. "Public Safety has moved me to a undisclosed location. I am well-protected and in the presence of AU's most prized possessions: a gold-plated Clawed, Ben Ladner's $500,000 hairpiece and Sonia from the Eagle's Nest."
Vidulich is said to be weighing the option of a preemptive strike against Georgetown's campus, promising a campaign that would inspire "shock and awe" in the weak-minded Hoyas.
AU students, many of whom doubted the existence of such a weapon until as little as a few weeks ago - when Dwertman's SG presidential campaign platform focused on building up AU's defenses against Georgetown, relocating the Watkins building and defeating the nefarious Dr. V - are now being trained for a variety of defensive and offensive strategies as AU's Department of War is reformed.
Most of the campus community is being trained to evacuate as quickly as possible to designated safe bunkers full of enough duct tape, food, water, alcohol and condoms to get them through even the worst case scenario of several months of fallout.
However, several Honors Department battalions will be deployed to M Street's Ben and Jerry's to launch a possible counter-strike. They hope to be able to locate the weapon and neutralize it or, at the very least, eat delicious Cherry Garcia ice cream bars while reprogramming its coordinates to strike Catholic University, placing most of campus outside the blast range. A secondary force of Lithuanian basketball players will be sent to attack the Hoyas with rebounds and three-point shots.
Student Government President-Elect Joe Vidulich issued a message to the student body via Facebook from a secret underground safe house rumored to be near that of Vice President Dick Cheney at the Naval Observatory.
"I promise you that everything will be fine," Vidulich said. "Public Safety has moved me to a undisclosed location. I am well-protected and in the presence of AU's most prized possessions: a gold-plated Clawed, Ben Ladner's $500,000 hairpiece and Sonia from the Eagle's Nest."
Vidulich is said to be weighing the option of a preemptive strike against Georgetown's campus, promising a campaign that would inspire "shock and awe" in the weak-minded Hoyas.
Be the first to comment on this story