Satire: AU student terrified to admit he forgot to apply for an absentee ballot
If anyone finds out, he’s a dead man
The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
AU freshman Jack Bennett came to the horrifying realization the other day that he forgot to apply for an absentee ballot, causing him to fear for his place on campus.
“I didn’t know that voting was such a big deal here! I’m new!” Bennett said. “If I had known that it was, I definitely would have applied for one, but it completely slipped my mind.”
AU students mobilized in the weeks prior to the 2018 midterm elections, mostly by posting gratuitous selfies of themselves with their “I voted!” stickers, writing long-winded essays on black backgrounds to put on their Snapchat stories and yelling at everyone in a three-foot radius to vote.
Living in this kind of environment, according to Bennett, is terrifying for forgetful freshmen like himself.
“If anyone finds out about this, I’m dead,” Bennett said. “My fragile friend group formed during Welcome Week is going to abandon me if they learn the truth.”
Bennett’s roommate, Henry Werner, is aware of the situation and critical of his roommate’s choices, but said he is more understanding than some of his classmates are.
“I told Jack to get his life together and apply, but he always had some kind of excuse,” Werner said. “I’m not going to kick him out or anything, but he brought this on himself.”
Werner added that since AU was ranked the most politically active university in the country, Bennett should have expected this.
“Speaking of, he better not bring us down in the Princeton Review rankings,” Werner said.
There is no documented evidence of anyone on campus failing to vote, so Bennett has no idea what the consequences for this offense will be. Regardless, he fears that expulsion is eminent. To avoid this, Bennett said he started to consider flying home to Idaho to cast his vote on Nov. 6.
“Is this a valid reason for an excused absence?” Bennett asked. “It should be.”
Now that he’s failed to complete one of his key duties as an AU student, Bennett plans to do all he can to prove his civic responsibility to his fellow classmates.
“I’ll get a Hillternship, I’ll campaign at Metro stops, I’ll go to all the protests, anything to convince people that I’m politically active enough to go here,” he said. “That or I’ll just transfer to George Washington University. They’re not even on the list of politically active schools anymore.”
Lauren Patetta is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist for The Eagle.