The following piece is satire and should not be misconstrued for actual reporting. Any resemblance to a student, staff or faculty member is coincidental.
“Don’t worry, everything on campus is totally fine,” AU spokesperson Peter Spark said while smoke poured from Hughes Hall as a result of an electrical fire.
As The Eagle reported, the fire was caused by an underground transformer. The fire burned for two hours before being extinguished by D.C. Fire Department, who had to wait for all power to be turned off before acting. AU administration assured students that there was nothing wrong at all.
“It’s just a little fire, nothing out of the ordinary,” said Spark. “We’re totally fine here, just a normal day at American University. Go pet the Wonk Cat and pretend the university isn’t burning to the ground if you’re concerned.”
Unfortunately, the Wonk Cat was not able to rouse students from their rooms, who assumed another freshman had accidentally set a pizza box on fire and did not evacuate.
“It was early in the morning on a Saturday, that’s like, the peak hours for hungover freshmen to be incorrectly heating up leftovers,” said James Bromwell, a resident of Hughes. “I thought nothing of the fire alarm until the 300 AU alerts came through.”
Some students were quick to grab their most cherished belongings as they ran out their dorm.
“I’ve thought about it hundreds of times, so I already knew I’d grab just the necessities,” said sophomore Chad Bradford. “So I jumped out of bed, snagged my phone and my JUUL and never looked back.”
Despite the flammable transformers of Hughes Hall that worry both its residents and those in neighboring dorms, Spark insists that things are perfectly okay and encourages students to look on the bright side of things.
“The AU Rave alert system worked this time!” Spark said. “Focus on that instead!”
Though the alert system did function properly, many students missed the alerts, as it was seven in the morning and no sane college student rises before 11 a.m. on Saturdays.
“Even a literal fire wouldn’t get me out of bed,” said Angela Klein, a sophomore living in McDowell. “It took my R.A. knocking on the door and threatening me with a conduct violation to wake me up. I appreciate that AU provides a type of excitement you can’t find anywhere else, but seriously, I’d prefer sleep.”
Students off campus, however, took a small amount of pride in missing out on the events.
“We may have to deal with awful landlords and limited meal swipes and daily commutes that will inevitably go wrong,” said Laurie Reed, a senior who lives in Tenleytown. “But at least my apartment didn’t catch on fire, so HA!”
Lauren Patetta is a sophomore in the School of Communication and a satire columnist for The Eagle.
